The Donald Trump Version of Washington's Farewell Address

Wow. Whoa. That is some group of people. Thousands.  Good, you'll get your checks at the end of the day.

I won two presidential elections -- unanimously. Nobody else's victory will ever be that huge.

It's a time for gratitude.  You owe me, America. I've gotten older in the service of this country, but don't believe the haters. This hair and these teeth -- they're mine! These past two terms have been a huge sacrifice.  I'm really rich, and I could have spent all this time getting even richer.

But money isn't about money.  It's about keeping score. And America's score is amazing: we're bigger and better and stronger than ever before. That's why you all love me.

So let's look back on what I've done for you. First, there was the Revolutionary War,   Things didn't go well at first.  There was that Nathan Hale guy.  He was  no hero; he was a lightweight who got caught spying. I like people that don't get captured.  And our ragged, dirty soldiers disappointed me. Those morons looked like they couldn't even buy a pair of pants.

But then we won at Saratoga.  Huge, huge victory.  Someday, it will be a great place to put a casino and a racetrack.

And then we won the whole thing, mostly because of me.  King George -- what a zero!  I hear that when he pees, it comes out blue!  These Brits can't win at golf, and they can't win at war. We ought to put a wall at the Canadian border -- and make the Brits pay for it!

When the war was over, I went back to Mount Vernon -- beautiful place, great view.  But then the dummies in the government messed everything up, and I had to come in and run the Constitutional Convention. I went in and punched and punched and beat the hell out of people, and I ended up getting it done.

Then they made me president.  Of course.  And I was great.  I fixed problems, like the losers who wouldn't pay taxes on whiskey.  Bunch of drunks should go up to Canada, where the cold weather will sober them up.

Let me say a couple of words about foreign affairs -- and I've had a lot of them.  Just kidding.  Hey, can't take a joke?  Don't be so PC.  Anyway, a foreign alliance is just like a marriage:  it never lasts, so get a prenup.

Then there's religion.  When you go to church to eat your little cracker and drink your little wine, say a prayer.  Thank God that I'm president.  He'll be happy to hear that.  He's grateful for me, too.

Okay, so this is billed as my Farewell Address, right?  Well, farewell to that!  I'm not going anywhere!   Adams, you fat, bald moron, you will just have to sit in your little vice presidential chair and wait longer.

Okay that's about it. Remember: I cannot tell a lie, and if you say that I do, I'll sue your ass off.